The intriguing relationship between mothers and daughters is often underscored by the haunting question for mothers of what we do right and wrong. The amount of mothering required today is unprecedented; we start worrying earlier about how our daughters’ social lives, academic lives and love lives will play out ( one mother told me she was at this when her daughter started preschool). And we can’t seem to back off, we can’t seem to let go-even when our daughters are approaching thirty. Meanwhile, many mothers say they don’t know if they’re actually helping or hindering their daughters.

To make matters worse, mothers are not only judged by the other mothers and members of their families, but by society. Mothering has been big news lately. When Amy Chua’s book on tiger mothering her daughters hit the stands, many mothers thought perhaps the answer was in being strict, unrelenting and unforgiving — it certainly was a shift from the cushy, kind, lack of boundaries type mothering that most of us are used to. When Abercrombie came out with the Ashley push up bra bikini for daughters who are 7 to l4, mothers again came into the spotlight. What kind of mother would buy this for her daughter and what kind of message is this to the daughter – these were the questions. In the end, the cushy, kind mother might be more likely to buy it, because she so wants her daughter to fit in, to be a part of the herd. Or perhaps a hybrid of cushy/tiger mother might buy it as a reward.

But in truth, consumerism and celebrity culture are what our daughters, and we as mothers, are up against, no matter what type of mothering we feel we subscribe to. And it doesn’t just apply to ‘tween daughters but to daughters of all ages – they’re all in the game, and so are the mothers. Just ask a mother who is planning her daughter’s graduation party from high school or college, a mother whose daughter is about to be married. A mother whose daughter is about to give birth to her first child.

We know that mothers today are much more involved on an ongoing basis than even fifteen or twenty years ago. It isn’t just a role we fill, but it’s a career to be a mother—even if you have a full time job. Expectations for mother/ daughter connections today are greater than ever before, looped into our fast paced society with our intense schedules, a high tech, media saturated, celebrity driven culture. Despite the energy put forth, mothers feel uneasy, they admit to avoiding confrontations at any cost and struggle to set limits with daughters of ages. And this is why Abercrombie sells the Ashley bikini and why mothers buy it despite their instincts, despite their value system.

Based on my research:

• 90 percent of mothers said that mothering a daughter is much more loaded than mothering a son.
• More than 80 percent of mothers said they wonder if they could do better with their daughters
• 60 percent of mothers recall their own adolescence in trying to shield their daughters from experiences
• Over 70 percent wonder if they’re teaching their daughters proper values
• More than 50% of mothers admit their hands on approach to mothering smacks of overkill.

To add to the fray, mothers are tired – from work, multitasking, after school activities, community service, taking care of elderly parents. Meanwhile, our daughters are bold, with specific demands and expectations; these are not the daughters of yesteryear. They are inundated with peer pressure, herd mentality, the vicissitudes of female friends and school work and after college, careers that are demanding— if they are fortunate enough to find jobs these days.

Thus, we are faced without the old paradigm without having formed new ones. If only we would stop defending our daughters– making endless excuses for them. If only we weren’t so overwhelmed that we cut corners — knowing it’s easier to avoid the drama than stick by our rules. How about saying no to those designer sneakers, the Prada bag, the trip for spring break that makes you feel queasy? And while we’re at it, let’s be very careful about what our message to our daughters is – let’s not make too much of food and dieting, it’s a slippery slope. Let’s think long term—let’s foster independence rather than hover over our daughters, so they can be prepared for the world. It’s a fine line between being watchful, for daughters of any age, keeping them close and spinning them out into the world, ambitious and ready for whatever challenges they face. However, that is the goal, let’s not lose sight of it.